Why hasn’t he proposed? Danger Signals and Self-Esteem Saving Don’ts

We have all heard the story of a man dating a woman for five years and not marrying her because he claims that he “doesn’t believe in marriage” or “a marriage license is just an unnecessary piece of paper.”  Then after they break up, he is married to his new woman within a year!  Why does this happen? 

First things first, what are the danger signals that a woman should look for if she has been in a relationship for over a year or two and he still has not popped the question?

• He is still going out with his friends three or more times a week without you.  If this is the case then he just hasn’t grown up yet and probably isn’t ready to be tied down.  Men that are “marriage ready” like to do things as a couple either alone or with other couples.
• He claims he doesn’t want to get engaged until his career has taken off and he’s financially stable.  Tell me this… what does that have to do with marriage?  Married couples are supposed to grow and evolve together.  It is just an excuse to buy time because he does not want to marry you. 
• When you talk engagement he talks about moving in together first as the next step.  Hmmm… a lot of women and men live together before marriage which is fine, but you should save the move in for after your engaged and before the wedding.  Some men get “comfortable” living with their girlfriend and get content with the way things are, therefore prolonging popping the question.
• He does not talk about your future together.  If he’s not talking about when you have kids and buy a house together then he’s not thinking about a future with you.
• When you bring up marriage he asks “what’s the rush?”  Not a good sign, especially if you have been together for over a year.
• He’s been married before and it was a disaster!  Beware of men that have been in a bad marriage and went through a bad divorce.  They probably have a deep seeded dislike for the whole marriage concept!  Past experience can guide current decision making and for some men one failed marriage is enough.  Why go through it twice?

Now that you know the danger signals, what don’t you do when you discover that he’s exhibiting them?  Save your self-esteem and follow these don’ts!

• Don’t accept his excuse that he is not ready yet because he is still recovering from his last disaster marriage.
• Don’t get mad at him because he “led you on.”  You have to take responsibility for your own actions in staying with him without a commitment.  Getting angry, upset or telling him you’re hurt is only going to make you look weak.  Stay strong, a confident woman is the most attractive woman.
• Don’t let him convince you that marriage is not important and ruins the dynamics of a relationship.  That is bologna.  He’ll use this excuse for one of two reasons.  Either he is already worried about divorce and you taking half or he wants to keep his options open to meet someone else. 
• Don’t suggest couples counseling.  If he’s not committing it is not because he can’t it’s because he doesn’t want to with you.  Leave the couples counseling for married couples.  If you need it before your married then maybe you should rethink the whole relationship!
• Don’t give him an ultimatum.  Ultimatums never are the answer and are only made out of fear and frustration.
• Don’t bring up your frustration to his friends and family hoping that they will be on your side and help convince him to get engaged.  If you need an army of people to get him to pop the question, are you sure this is the man you want to marry?  Not so much!

Just remember, being engaged is supposed to be a wonderful experience not a boiling point subject.  If you are ready and he isn’t than it is time for you to make a decision.  Do you stay or do you go?  Empower yourself to do what is right for you.  He doesn’t seem to mind doing what he thinks is right for him by not asking you to be his wife.  There are two people in your relationship and if both of you do not have aligned intentions than one of you is going to have to bite the bullet and make a decision.  Hopefully it is you so you don’t end up being that girl he was with for five years and never married but after the break-up he was married to someone else within a year!  Sad but true.

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