How Friends with Benefits Became Possible

A couple of centuries ago, such an arrangement as friends with benefits was simply unthinkable of. To put it simply, friends with benefits means you are having sex with somebody without actually dating them. That’s right, you are not a couple but you do enjoy (some of the) benefits coupledom offers.

Friends with benefits is a direct result of the sexual revolution and the fact that women openly admit they are happy to have sex without being in a relationship. It might be shocking for puritans to have such arrangements, especially when you have in mind that frequently you are in multiple friends with benefits arrangements (i.e. you are polygamous) but maybe such an arrangement meets better the needs of modern people.

When you are in a friends with benefits arrangement, you are not in a relationship and therefore you are not committed to one another. This might sound a dream come true for men especially, because traditionally if they wanted sex, they had to marry (and still this didn’t guarantee they would have sex), which was a trap they couldn’t easily escape from.

It is true that probably men are the main beneficiary of a friends with benefits kind of thing but since many women do admit sex is a biological need for them, too, friends with benefits becomes possible. Many modern women also hate commitment and for them a sexual relationship without commitment (i.e. this ‘no strings attached’ thing) is more than welcome.

However, friends with benefits has its traps, too. If you want to avoid them, you need to know the rules about being friends with benefits and keep to them. Otherwise, this friends with benefits thing can turn into a pretty nasty experience.

Friends with Benefits Takes Me Closer to a Relationship with Him or Her

Unfortunately, this is just a common delusion. Usually ladies think that having sex with a guy brings them a step closer to being in a relationship with him but there are also men who think the same.

Well, this doesn’t go like that. Friends with benefits is just about sex and one of the basic rules is that you don’t expect emotional commitment. If you are not fine with this rule, you’d better don’t start a friends with benefits arrangement at all.

In addition to the potential disappointment that your sex buddy isn’t falling in love with you as you hoped for, another risk with friends with benefits is potential pregnancy. There are lots of chicks who will use pregnancy to force a relationship. Needless to say, brute forcing a guy into a relationship because of pregnancy isn’t the road to a happy relationship but some chicks are that desperate and will resort to such mean tactics just to catch a man.

If you make it clear from the very beginning that you are together because of sex and that neither party expects more, a friends with benefits arrangement can last for years. However, if one of the partners hopes for more, then you’d better quit the thing before complications occur.

How to Deal with a Rebound Relationship When You Are Rebounding

Here are some ideas how to deal with a rebound relationship when you are the one, who is rebounding:

1. Admit to yourself you are rebounding. Probably the most difficult step is to admit to yourself the truth – i.e. you are in a rebound relationship not in a relationship based on love. After you manage to do it, the rest is easy.

2. Try gently to breakup with your present date. This is a very unpleasant step but you need to make it. Explain softly that even though your partner is great, your relationship has no future because your heart belongs to somebody else. You can offer to remain friends (or friends with benefits, if both of you feel like it) but be prepared that your present date might not be happy to see you at all after the breakup.

3. Stay single till you are ready to start a new relationship. Now, after you have ended a rebound relationship, don’t jump into the next rebound relationship. It might sound very boring but you do need to stay single for some time. If you feel lonely, turn to your friends for support but don’t forget that nobody but you can help you forget your ex and put your life in order.

How to Deal with a Rebound Relationship When You Are the Rebound Date

Since a rebound relationship takes two, here is the other side of the story. I mentioned how I dealt with a case when many years ago I was a rebound date and basically here are the steps to take:

1. Make sure this is a rebound relationship. Sometimes the signs of a rebound relationship are obvious and it is easy to be sure it is exactly this, while in other cases you might need more time and evidence. In any case, first make sure you are a rebound date and then shoot.

2. Tactfully tell him or her you want out. You might not tell the whole truth – i.e. I want out because I hate being a rebound date. You can use “It’s not you, it’s me!”, if you think this will make them feel better. Again, you can offer to remain friends but basically I wouldn’t recommend this because when you leave the door open, you might slip back. In my opinion it is less hurtful for both of you, if you cut any ties, at least for some years.

3. Forget about this relationship as soon as possible. This will hardly be difficult because this relationship isn’t something memorable in a good sense, anyway.

I hope these tips will help you to deal with a rebound relationship. Face it, a rebound relationship is like a tumor – the earlier you spot it and take the necessary measures, the higher the chance for a complete recovery. Don’t let a rebound relationship develop because in the long term this will bring both of you only sufferings.

Your Partner Still Has Feelings for His or Her Ex

In a sense, it is normal for a person to have feelings about his or her ex(es). Since nowadays people rarely marry the first person they date, or unless you are your partner’s first love, he or she will most likely have an ex, or probably even a bunch of them. You can’t expect that all exes will be erased from a person’s memory and it is not uncommon to keep in touch with an ex but there is a line to draw.

If your partner still has feelings for his or her ex, and/or sees the ex or talks about him or her frequently, this means your date is not over the ex. The ex is not part of the past, where he or she belongs but is here in the present and invades your relationship.

On the other hand, there are rebounders who hide their feeling for their ex deeply and don’t show them at all. Still, these feelings exist and they could work against you. Therefore, beware because your partner might be hiding his or her feelings in order not to make you suspicious but again he or she might be ready to dump you, in case their ex shows back on the horizon.

Your Partner’s Ex Has Dumped Him or Her

As my experience shows, most often people, who have been dumped by the ex, as opposed to people who themselves had terminated the relationship, are more likely to still have feelings for the ex and to start a rebound relationship. In such cases, your present partner might be hoping for a reunion with his or her ex and in this case there is no place for you in the picture.

Additionally, your present partner might be using you to get his or her ex back. With some exes this works but it goes without saying this is a very mean strategy.

Very often it is tricky to learn the truth about why your present partner and his or her ex split but you do need to make some effort to learn it. You could ask mutual friends, if you can’t get the truth from your present date but do it very, very delicately. Still, you do need to know how the previous relationships of your present date ended because this can tell you a lot about your present relationship and if it makes sense to pursue it further or not.

Your Partner Doesn’t Appreciate You

One of the most obvious signs you are a rebound date is when your partner doesn’t appreciate you even if you are better than his or her ex in many or in all aspects. I remember once I was a rebound date for a loser, whose ex was fat, ugly, divorced, working class cow and who dumped him because he wasn’t making enough money.

I tried to show understanding every time I had to listen about her and how unfair it was for her to dump him but at one point I got the feeling that no matter what I do and how much I excel her in probably every aspect, I will always come second. Well, this quite unhappy relationship lasted for less than a month because I moved on. Soon after I dumped him, the cow took him back because she had learned he landed a much better chick (but probably didn’t know I dumped him as well) and hurried to take him back before I steal him (ha-ha!) because he was still bringing more money than she on her own could make.

For me this was good riddance but I learned the valuable lesson that being a rebound date to a loser is much below what I deserve and that such relationships are pointless. Fortunately for me, this was a brief relationship and it had no consequences but I know many people who weren’t that lucky with their rebound relationships.

Why Rebound Relationships Are Destined to Be Unhappy Relationships

First, let’s clarify what a happy relationship means. It depends on how you define happiness – some people are happy just to be in a relationship, any relationship, but if your criteria aren’t that low and for you a happy relationship is a relationship where there is love, then a rebound relationship will hardly work for you.

Rebound relationships start as an attempt to forget an ex. Yes, there might be some form of attraction between you and your partner, but if you weren’t mourning your ex love, you would hardly start this relationship with this particular person. You see, the foundation is wrong from the very start.

Why Can’t You Make a Rebound Relationship Work?

Of course, there are cases when you can make a rebound relationship work but this is relatively rare and you shouldn’t count on that. When the beginning is wrong, it takes much more effort to get on solid ground and very often it is simply not worth the effort.

When you are in a rebound relationship, you are less picky. You are heart-broken and you are an easy victim to a loser who is desperate for any relationship. This is why you usually hookup with somebody who is way below you in terms of character, achievements, or social standing. For the loser your broken heart might be a gift because you aren’t resisting his or her advances but this isn’t a solid base to build a stable and happy relationship on.

In the other case, when your present partner is an upgrade over your so precious ex, it is also doomed. You won’t get over your ex and your partner will hardly accept to become second in the unfair race with your past.

Any rebound date with a brain will show compassion for some time but after that he or she will become aware of the fact that you are simply using him or her to mend your broken heart and will most likely dump you. In fact, anybody with self-respect won’t stay in such a relationship, so even if you want to prolong the agony, you won’t be able to do it on your own.

This is why it is best to spot a rebound relationship early. When you do it before things get really serious, it is less painful to breakup. Well, breakups are hardly pleasant but there are bitter and less bitter breakups, so you’d better head for the second type.

You Have Started the Rebound Relationship In Order to Forget Another One

The desire to forget an ex is one of the common reasons why people jump into a rebound relationship. However, more often than not, this not only doesn’t solve your problem but makes matters even worse. When you are unhappy in your present relationship, this only makes you want your ex more and increases your suffering. The best you can do is quit the rebound relationship asap, stay single for a while till you get yourself back together and only then move on with a new relationship.

A Rebound Relationship Is Because You Fear to Be Alone

Loneliness is tough but being single doesn’t necessarily mean you are alone. A relationship gives the fake feeling you are not alone but a rebound relationship certainly isn’t better than no relationship. When you enter a rebound relationship because you fear to be alone, the only thing you achieve is to substitute feeling lonely on your own with feeling lonely in a relationship. Additionally, your behavior can hurt the other person’s feelings and this certainly makes matters worse.

This Rebound Relationship Is Just for Fun and/or to Kill the Time

One more reason people enter into rebound relationships is just for fun or to kill the time (lucky you – to have so much free time that you wonder how to kill!). If both parties (i.e. both you and your present partner) are in this relationship because of the same reasons, this is more or less acceptable and nobody is hurt. However, if your partner doesn’t share your motives, drama is just round the corner.

Rebound relationships aren’t the answer. They don’t heal your broken heart but they certainly can mess your life further. The worst that can happen is for the rebound relationship to turn serious – i.e. to get married or to have kids with your rebound date because in this case you have just subscribed to a life-long agony.

No, rebound relationships don’t get better with time; they only get worse and it gets much harder to escape from it. This is why your only winning move in a rebound relationship is to quit it right away and move on. Life is too short to be stuck in an unhappy relationship you can’t break from.

Can’t Forget Your Ex

Everybody has had bitter breakups and it is quite natural if you need time to get over a breakup but when you are obsessed with an ex years after the relationship is over, this isn’t normal. If you are in a new relationship and you still think about your ex very often, this means you aren’t over your ex and your relationship is a rebound one.

People start rebound relationships in order to forget an ex but this is rarely successful. Sometimes your new partner is way below you and under normal circumstances you wouldn’t even think about dating somebody like that. In other cases, your rebound date is out of this world but you simply don’t appreciate him or her. In either case, your rebound relationship is leading nowhere.

Unhappy In Your Present Relationship

Happiness is something very subjective and even if everything is blissful, you still might feel unhappy. However, when you are in a rebound relationship, the feeling of unhappiness is really bitter.

If your partner is something much worse than what you deserve, then it is quite natural to be unhappy. Rather, the question is why you are still in this relationship not if you can make it work.

In the second case, when you are unhappy with your present partner, even if he or she is perfect, the verdict is similar. If you are still thinking about your ex and comparing him or her (or more likely – your strongly idealized memories of him or her) to your present partner, this is a constant source of frustration.

What is more, if your present partner is aware of what is going in your heart and head, he or she is absolutely right to be pissed. He or she is giving you everything and you are still crying over an ex. Do you think many people who have dignity and self-respect will stand this for long?

If you notice these two signs – obsession with an ex and unhappiness in your present relationship, this almost always means you are in a rebound relationship. Usually the only way out is to breakup with your rebound date before things get serious because this is the least painful approach for both of you.

I wouldn’t like to sound conservative and I will on deliberately skip the ethical aspects of dating somebody married or in a relationship, though you just can’t simply forget about them. Instead, I will try to explain why dating somebody married or in a relationship could get very complicated for you. In a sense, learn in advance what you will get and decide if the fight is worth.

Beware: Married Cheaters Hide Their Marital Status

If it is the first time you are dating somebody married or in a relationship, you might not be able to spot all the symptoms. First, you might not even be aware about the real marital/relationship status of the person you are dating. Don’t take for granted that if somebody is with you every now and then, he or she is free. Of course, most people will be free but cheaters tend to hide that they are married or in a relationship.

When you are dating somebody you know is married or is in a relationship, at least from the very start what you are up to. What you don’t know is why he or she cheats on his or her lover. It might feel that your date is just using you. Well, maybe they have feelings for you, or at least find you attractive, but in any case he or she is not yours.

An Extramarital Affair Is Convenient and Boost His or Her Ego

Very often insecure people will start an extramarital affair because this boosts their ego. If you don’t ask for expensive presents, or demand too much, you are the ideal person to cheat with – an inexpensive ego boost. You are just convenient.

No matter how hard you try, chances are that you will always be Plan B – i.e. the secondary option. You will be the one to listen how cruel his or her spouse/partner is, how unhappy they are, etc. A person with a dignity will not accept to be the secondary option.

“I Stay for Kids’ Sake”

When you start dating somebody married or in a relationship, you might have plans for a serious relationship. Your lover will divorce and you will live happily ever after. Could be – there are such cases but more often than not, this won’t happen.

Why? Because your date is tied to his or her partner. You might hear melodramatic excuses, such as “I stay for the kids’ sake”. Don’t buy this. You can care about your kids even if you are divorced, separated, or a single parent.

Rather, when people say they stay in a marriage/relationship because of the kids, usually this hides their real motives. Most often people stay in a marriage/relationship, even in abusive relationships, because this is convenient – somebody pays their bills, or somebody does all the housework, so that you have lots of time to complain and cheat.

Such people, who stay in unfulfilling relationships are usually losers, who are afraid to or can’t make it on their own. Yes, there are people who are afraid to stay single and for whom any relationship is better than being on their own. Such people are a burden for you because even if they commit to you, you will have to carry them through life – they can’t make it on their own.

So, if you had any ideas to date somebody who is married or in a relationship, think again. If you are single and ready to mingle, probably you have much better options than saving losers. Anyway, if you feel that the married person needs somebody’s shoulder to cry on, you can help him or her even if you are not dating – by being just friends, for example, or friends with benefits, if you both agree to it. Just don’t allow yourself to be sucked into an unhappy relationship with somebody who is always making the wrong choices.

Sometimes people are so devastated by a breakup that they behave erratically and can do tons of stupid things they will regret later. So, if you don’t want to make the situation worse, just try not to lose control over your life and avoid the following common mistakes many people do after a breakup:

1. Accept the fact. Denying the fact that the breakup has happened, or hoping that this is just a temporary state of things, is not a vital strategy. It might be impossible to get used to the thought that you will never see/hear/touch him or her anymore but it is quite probable that things will happen just like that. The sooner you accept the fact that the relationship is over, the better. Just forget and move on.
2. Don’t try to get him/her back. You might have heard of many cases when people breakup and then they are again back together but don’t count on that. Chasing an ex is rarely successful and unless he or she uses you, he or she will hardly come back. However, all your attempts to get him or her back can make you look ridiculous. There is no need to make a fool of yourself, so avoid all phone calls, “accidental” meetings with him or her and anything else in that line. Begging for another chance is not something a person with dignity will do, so don’t fall that low – he or she might be a darling but there are so many men and women who deserve you, so there is no use to chase an ex, who doesn’t want you. Just forget your ex and move on.
3. Don’t rush into the next relationship. There might be many men and women who are suitable for you but rushing into the next relationship, just right after a breakup, rarely brings good results. Stay single for a while, get yourself together, and this will save you from the trap of a rebound relationship. When you are vulnerable, you are hardly thinking logically and you are ready to hookup with whomever you find. You just can’t imagine how many people I know who have made this mistake! The worst is that when you go into a relationship with somebody whom you don’t like but for whom you are a big fish, you might have hard times escaping from the trap. All of a sudden your new lover pops a baby, or gets married to you, or has tied you in other subtle and not-so-subtle ways, that you just can’t figure out how all this could have happened to you.
4. Don’t drown your sorrow in alcohol or food. Another common mistake many people make after a breakup is to drown their sorrow in alcohol or food. Drinking is bad and excessive eating isn’t healthy either, so just try to be strong and don’t resort to alcohol, drugs, or food to overcome your pain.
5. Find an interesting activity. Now, you might be wondering that if a new lover, alcohol and food are not recommendable after a breakup, there is nothing else left you can resort to. Sure, this is not so! You still have friends, whom to call for support (just don’t whine all the time because even the most understanding friend will hardly stand this) and there are many activities you can take in order to distract your attention from thinking about your ex-lover. Find an interesting activity, preferably not something to remind you of him or her (like listening to love songs, or watching love movies, or going to places where you used to go together as a couple), and just enjoy life. Now, when you have more free time, why not concentrate on your career?

Breakup could be tough but since so many people have (successfully) survived it, so why should you be an exception? Just learn how to get over a breakup and everything will be fine. Sooner or later you will find that special one, who really loves you and whom you deserve, so don’t give up!

Rebound Relationships Are Not Better than No Relationship

One of the most difficult things for many newly single is the fact that they are not in a relationship anymore. If you are used to being in a relationship, being a newly single might be really painful. In such cases you feel the urge to start a new relationship and you aren’t very picky about who will date. The first guy/girl you find will do – you just need somebody because being single is so depressing. Such relationships are called rebound relationships and no matter how much you try, a rebound relationship is doomed from the start.

When you are in a rebound relationship, you are not happier. Your rebound partner might be perfection in its purest form but you still have feelings for your ex. However, most often your rebound partner is everything but perfect and even if you notice it, you won’t admit it.

Don’t Let a Rebound Relationship Turn Into a Serious Relationship

The fact that you deny that your rebound partner is a devil in human shape doesn’t make your relationship better. The most dangerous in such a rebound relationship is if you don’t act while you can and let this relationship get serious.

If you don’t terminate your rebound relationship while it is still young, you might soon discover that you have reached a point of no return. In the worst case you might make some serious mistakes, such as commitment, or even have children and/or get married. This is a common mistake but it can cost you a lot.

If you think that a rebound relationship improves with time, you are wrong. A rebound relationship will always lack love and if you are locked and can’t get away from it, this will turn your life into hell. It is true that you might get used to your partner but you will never love him or her.

Breakup is tough time, especially if separation wasn’t your desire but you need to learn how to survive a breakup. Stay single for a while, reassemble yourself, rethink your past and only after that move onto a new relationship. If you love your ex a lot, you might never be able to find somebody who is as good as he or she was but this is not a reason to give up.

Just beware of a rebound relationship because if you get locked in a rebound relationship, this can cost you a lot. You just have no idea how many people married and made other stupid mistakes simply because they entered a rebound relationship and couldn’t get out if it in time. A rebound relationship is painful and it makes no sense to learn this the hard way!

Staying Single IS Good

I know many people who’d rather die than stay single. They are so used to being in a relationship, even if it is a trashy one, that the very idea to be without a partner makes them uneasy. OK, if you do have a great partner, then you don’t have to dump him or her just for the sake of staying single but in all those cases when your relationship is really a mess, getting out of this relationship asap is the best you can do.

I guess many people are scared by the idea to stay single because they will feel alone and there will be nobody to rely on. Well, if you are a grownup and know how to take a care for yourself, you should definitely be able to live without a partner to rely on for simple things.

As for loneliness, I bet everybody who’d been in a loveless relationship knows how lonely and unhappy you feel then. When you are single and you have your friends, you will feel much happier than when you are with somebody not good for you simply because you are afraid to be single.

Yes, it might be difficult to understand why some people do stay single. The simple explanation is that they are single because they can’t find a partner. Could be, but it is rarely this. More, it is that they either have no time for a relationship at all or are not satisfied with the wrong partner and this is why they opt to stay single till the time for a new relationship is right.

Cases When Staying Single Is Mandatory

No matter how much you crave to be a part of a couple, there are cases when you do need to stay single. Here are some of them:

• After a breakup. There are breakups and breakups and not after every breakup you are that shaken that you don’t know what you are doing. But if your last breakup was a really nasty one, then rushing into a new relationship, a rebound relationship will only make things worse. This is why you need to spend some time on your own and forget your ex first before starting a new relationship.
• When your schedule doesn’t permit a serious relationship. If you have never been there, it might be hard to understand how one can be so busy that he or she doesn’t have time for a serious relationship. However, a serious relationship is a very time-consuming affair and when your job or the other activities that pack your schedule to the limit are pressing you, you simply don’t have the time to pay attention to your lover. If this is something temporary, many partners will show understanding but if it is for a long period of time, you are essentially asking the other person to become a slave to your schedule. Believe me, nobody with dignity and self-esteem will accept such a role!
• When you can’t find a suitable partner. One more case when staying single is mandatory is the very prosaic case when you can’t find a suitable partner. While a loser will be happy with any partner, a normal person won’t make such sacrifices. If you aren’t a loser, chances are you do attract lots of attention but not from the people you’d like. In some cases you might even be pushed into a relationship and you need to find the courage to resist the pressure. If you haven’t learned it by now, you wouldn’t like to learn it the hard way that a bad relationship is an option only for a loser.

One of the things that could make it harder to stay single is your sexual desire. While there are people who don’t miss sex even for years, not everybody is in this group. If you feel you can’t live without sex, you might want to try friends with benefits. Friends with benefits also has the risks of being trapped but it isn’t as bad as a bad relationship.